How to advocate for your high-energy child at school

All parents want teachers to like their children, to appreciate and understand them.  Of course, parents also want their kids to learn and thrive, but this can only happen in a respectful, nurturing environment. Sadly, this environment is rarer than you might think, especially for high-energy kids.    You can and should advocate for your child and I will share simple ways how.

My friend and colleague, Ali*, recounts the first years of her son’s schooling.  They were a nightmare!  In preschool, Tucker* started “being bad.” Near-daily phone calls about his behavior sent Ali into a constant state of panic and anxiety.  She dreaded picking him up from school every day to punish him, but what else could she do?   As a teacher herself, she knew the rules and he was breaking them!  She took his toys away, his TV time, anything fun.  She even enrolled him in a tough karate dojo to instill some discipline in him, but nothing worked!  She started to think there was something really wrong with him!  

Ali searched the internet for an answer, any label that would explain his problems and lead to a magic “cure.”  Was he ADHD?  ODD?  Autistic?  Does he have too much sugar in his diet?  Gluten intolerant?  She just couldn’t understand why he would act that way.  She actually admits she stopped enjoying her son!   

Of course, she knew her son could be a handful, especially when bored.  So she filled their weekends with outings to zoos, parks, train rides, anything to keep him productive.  When engaged, he was his authentic self – a happy, curious, full-of-life little boy – but this was not the child teachers saw at school.

One summer day, an insightful horseback riding instructor noticed Tucker’s spark and nonchalantly cautioned, “Hey, Mom, don’t let ‘the man’ ruin your boy.  You got a good one there.”

The lightbulb went on.  Maybe Tucker wasn’t the problem.  Maybe school was.  He would be going into 1st grade in the fall and Ali decided to meet with his teacher right away and level with her.  She introduced herself and said, “Tucker is a great kid, but he has to be busy.  He loves reading, helping, playing outside, competition, and challenges.  Fill his downtime with any of these things, and he will be a delight.  Don’t, and he will find his own ways to keep himself busy.”

Luckily, this teacher took what Ali had to offer and ran with it.  It worked!  Tucker finally had an amazing year at school after a terrible preschool experience.  His “bad” behaviors were non-existent, he did well in his classwork, and his teacher actually liked him!  Ali’s frontloading of the teacher paid off, that year, but every year is different, and you need to be ready to go to combat if you need to!     

For the most part, teachers really loving, selfless, intelligent souls.  They just have so much on their plates and, let’s face it, high-energy kids make running a classroom much more challenging.  When managing a classroom, teachers use the tools they have – rewards and punishments often topping their list.  The goal is to build a working relationship with the teacher so you can work together to make life at school rewarding for everyone.  Here are a few insights on how.

Advocate for your high-energy kid through a positive relationship with the teacher

  • Meet teachers right away and level with them.  Share specifics on what makes your child successful.  Try something like, “My son is a sweetheart, but he is a handful!  He needs to stay busy.  Trust me.  Here are some things I know have worked with his previous teachers and that I use at home.”
  • Write all of your ideas and suggestions down.  After the dust of September settles, send an email reminding the teacher of your previous conversation.  Repeat your suggestions, ask how things are going so far, and how you can help support at home.
  • Relate personally to the teacher.  Express your desire to work with her, not against her.  Through candid conversation with your child’s best interests at heart, you can brainstorm honest supports together.  
  • Be professional.  You will get more bees with honey than vinegar, so be respectful always.  If you have to get more aggressive about asking for what your child needs, you will be better received if you have a reputation for being realistic, level-headed, and honest about the situation at hand.  Pick your battles wisely.
  • Listen to what the teacher has to say.  With a patient, gracious, objective ear, try to understand what behaviors the teacher is seeing in the classroom.   Be open to hearing the truth.  Is there something new that you didn’t know about?  
  • Talk calmly and frequently to your child about school.  If things seem OK, leave them alone.  If not, ask for specific examples. But don’t create a problem that isn’t there by prodding over the subject if it doesn’t come up naturally.  Let your child move on and grow out of it if he is ready to.
  • Teach resilience and thick skin.  Advocating does not mean being overbearing.  Your advocation should be in private.  Your child should not be privy to it.  Teach him to hold his own, make good choices, ask for what he needs, and face each day with a positive outlook.  He will be an adult someday and this is his training ground!

Take quick action  if you see that things are getting out of control

  • Be honest with your child and yourself.  If she was bad before and that earned her street creds, she may continue to push that identity with her peers.  It may be that once learned, your child really is playing the “bad” card.  You may need to talk about reputation and owning one’s actions at that point.  Talk about appropriate time and place for certain behaviors and how she is received so you can empower her to learn self-control.
  • Make “school rules” and “home rules” and be clear about how and why they are different.  Be calm and consistent with following through on consequences.  Maintain the simple law of cause and effect.
  • Prioritize and focus on three behaviors at a time, max.  Let the rest go!   If you overload your child with “No’s” and “Should have’s,” all you will get is a shutdown or a rebellion!
  • Look for triggers to behaviors.  What situations or patterns that lead to out-of-control or “bad” behaviors?   Empower your child by helping him identifying what they are.  Slowly teach ways to prepare for and handle these often unavoidable situations.
  • Remember to smile, laugh, and love your kid.  Discipline should teach, not punish.  If you need to cool off before communicating with your child about what may have happened at school, do!
  • Make sure your child knows you are on his team first and always! Everything you do is out of love, even if it doesn’t seem that way to your child in the moment.  When the disciplining is over, do something fun and meaningful together to keep your bond tight.
  • Take care of your kid’s spirit.  Constantly remind her of how special her spark is, how important her creativity is, and how much you love her unique being.  Build her up.  Some days will be better than others, but every day is a fresh start.   

Make tough decisions if you must

  • Not every teacher — or school — will be on your team.  You may have to make tough decisions and weigh your educational options.  You want a school that will serve your child’s needs and unfortunately, this may not be your neighborhood school.  Consider non-traditional options if you must.

Don’t Give Up on Your Child

 

Ali’s son, Tucker, is just wrapping up his 2nd-grade year and it was not great.  His teacher was super uptight and made every little thing a big deal.  She really didn’t like him.

Looking at the upcoming teachers at his current school, Ali fears he may have many more challenging years to come. Hopefully, she can keep his self-esteem up and his spirit alive in the process.

What gives Ali hope is the realization that many famous people also didn’t fit the mold as kids. They had to make their own path and wouldn’t have had it any other way.  Thankfully, most had supportive parents who let their kids break free of the mold and be fully themselves.  

Ali believes the qualities that make Tucker “difficult” today will lead him to be a major innovative success someday.  Her fingers are crossed because, as she says, “Rule followers don’t really change the world.”

For your reading pleasure:

* The names of my friend and her son have been changed.

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10 strategies for making life at school easier for high-energy kids (and their teachers!)

No teacher wants a child to be unhappy in her class. Every good teacher intends to do best by her students. But as my husband says, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

Some may consider that teaching kids to sit still and to work quietly is a priority, and it is, but not at the cost of the simple joy of learning. Yes, kids need to learn right from wrong and how to be socially aware. They need manners, respect, patience. They need to learn how to differentiate right time and place for certain behaviors.

Many teachers demand quiet calm of their students “or else,” punishing them for their louder behaviors. But for little kids learning how to become respectful adults, demeaning and shaming them for being themselves is not the way!  All kids want to be “good.” All kids want to learn. So how can teachers positively support active kids not naturally prone to sitting still?

The secret kids will learn from and work hard for anyone they like. What kinds of teachers do kids like? Teachers who like them back! And kids can tell if you fake it! Attitude is everything! Appreciating, respecting, and enjoying students is the best way to get them to try new and challenging things, to persevere when they want to quit or scream, and to reign in their impulses. Dislike them, and they will do their best, too…in exactly the opposite direction! This is when otherwise good kids act up, misbehave, or seek negative attention. And it’s all in the hands of the teacher.

Now, let’s be realistic. While exceptionally rewarding, teaching is an extreme challenge. It is emotionally, mentally, and spiritually draining. On top of lesson planning to individual student needs, delivering curriculum well, soothing parental concerns, and meeting high administrative demands, teachers must juggle thirty-plus budding personalities and the unique baggage that they each bring to school. Every day has its unknowns that must be dealt with at a moment’s notice, ideally with grace and good judgement. There are good days and bad days and trust me, even the best teacher has bad days. Let’s face it. This job is exhausting!

Sometimes we just don’t have the energy for our high-energy kids. Some kids just seem to make life in the classroom “easier.” Calm, quiet, self-motivated, independent workers? Yup, easy. Active, high-energy, needy, or overtly social kids? Not so easy! But absolutely no less important, and certainly no less interesting or inspired! In fact, they may often be more so!

So how does a teacher work with high-energy students in a way that respects, utilizes, and maximizes their best qualities while still allowing the demands of the classroom – and the teacher – to be met?

Here are ten strategies teachers can use to support even their most hyperactive kids – and themselves – in their classroom.

1. Communicate the “game of school

  • Elementary school isn’t all about grades (gasp!). In fact, it is less about grades than almost anything else! This fact is often overlooked to the detriment of our students. School is about learning the basics of reading, writing, and math, but also of how to be a functioning, productive citizen. By telling kids this truth, we empower them to work to succeed even if they struggle in areas like homework completion and test scores.
  • There is a “game” of school and those who know the “rules” do better than others, even if they aren’t smarter. Just like checkers, the game isn’t hard, but no one can win without knowing the objective. Teach kids how to play the game!
  • High-energy kids can learn – and WIN – the game if given a chance to learn the rules. Teach them the strategies and they will excel! Make them your best “players!”

2. Teach kids the “Rules” — the “Soft Skills”

  • Success at the “game” of school requires intellect, of course, but even more, it requires a knowledge of the Hidden Curriculum or all of the unspoken “soft” skills necessary for doing well at school.
  • Soft skills include qualities like integrity, communication, courtesy, responsibility, professionalism, flexibility, patience, perseverance, problem-solving, common sense, organization, and teamwork, etc.
  • Soft skills are not innate. They need to be taught to kids. While some kids may naturally be more apt, all can learn them. We should not punish kids for not innately having them. We are their teachers. It is our job to prepare them.
  • Be honest with kids about how their behaviors are perceived by others. If kids understand WHY behaving in particular ways is important and how others respond — both positively and negatively — to behaviors, kids may work harder at self-regulating. While executive function, or the ability to self-regulate in order to plan, focus, remember directions, and multi-task, is not fully developed until way into our 20s, we empower our kids when we are honest about what is expected and why.
  • Teaching soft skills builds self-esteem! We all know what it feels like to stand out. Give kids tools and strategies to improve their “people skills” so that they can make better choices toward success.

3. TEACH “Time and Place”

  • Kids need to know that there are times in life when, even as adults, we need to be quiet even when we want to be loud or serious when we want to be silly. There is a time and a place for each of these behaviors. Kids need to know what times demand which behaviors and that everyone has to work hard at self-control, even grown-ups!
  • Communicate the message that we are at school to learn but that we all learn differently. While you may need to move around a lot, others may need it quiet. Respect others’ learning needs and they will respect yours.
  • Coach’s Comments: “What you did isn’t necessarily wrong, it just wasn’t “right” right now. When might it be a better time to…?” or “What might have been a better choice at that moment? In that situation?”

4. GIVE a Time and a Place

  • Honor the different learning styles of your students and provide time and place for each. Allow students to shine in their own way at different times of the day.
  • Provide choices in learning, such as project-based lessons or Genius Hour.
  • Give kids the day’s schedule! Let kids know at the beginning of the day what is coming and which activities will require quiet focus and which will be more active so they can prepare themselves for longer stretches of focus if needed.
  • Create a classroom that the kids own. Giving kids management responsibilities can get messy and chaotic at times, but with strong coaching and leadership, it is a working chaos where all kids buy in.
  • Offer class jobs that cater to all types of kids and honor their leadership when they push to do their “job.” Explicitly teach kids how to do their job properly. For example, we have a class pet, Fred the Leopard Gecko. Our class “zoologist” is in charge of maintaining fresh water and cleaning the cage. There is a lot to learn by helping a child know that, “No, Fred does not need fresh water in the middle of the math lesson.” Learning to wait 10-minutes until it is independent work time gives that hands-on, antsy kiddo something to look forward to!

5. Make the “game” of school easier to play!

  • When making lesson decisions, work to get student buy-in. Ask yourself:
    – “Would I want to do this assignment?”
    – “Who might struggle with this? What can I do to tweak it to             make it more reasonable for them?”
    – “Have I made this lesson relevant to my students?”
    – “Do they understand why we are doing this and how it will help them in their future?”
    – “Do they have any control over the products they are creating?  Could they?”
  • Level with them. Explain what is expected and when. If a child knows that there will be some time later to play and be noisy and social, they will try harder to be quiet when they need to.  If you need to, broker a deal with them.  They will feel respected that you understand their needs.
  • Give lots of opportunities for both quiet and boisterous activities and balance lessons and the day’s schedule between high and low energy activities.
  • Provide “Brain Breaks” such as with free websites like GoNoodle, or even just a jog to the fence and back or a “special delivery” to a nearby classroom can do the trick to get active kids to relax.
  • Be realistic and honest with yourself. Some things are just too much to ask at certain times of the day. Be flexible with your schedule and your lessons. Mold them as you need to. If you are happy, so are the kids!

6. Have a sense of humor

  • Don’t be too serious. These are kids for crying out loud! Remember what it was like to be a little kid and then act accordingly. Have fun with your students! Life is too short not to!
  • Be OK with less than total control. Think: “This is not my classroom, it is our classroom.” Share it with your students and you will all be happier.
  • Understand that even though kids aren’t perfect, they are working harder than we think they are!  Give them some credit!
  • Teacher ATTITUDE is everything!!! All the strategies in the world won’t help you if your demeanor says you are annoyed with a child. Show tolerance to teach tolerance. Kids follow your example. Kindness always matters. Negativity is a slippery slope and it is hard to get back to positive once your other students start mimicking your annoyance.

7. Love your high-energy kids’ high energy!

  • Don’t we all wish we had more energy? Especially as our coffee wears off mid-morning or we have to pep up to attend an after school IEP meeting! Energy is a well-valued commodity.
  • Respect and appreciate the energy your kids can share with you!
  • Energy is a strength! How can your students’ energy be harnessed and used?

8. Don’t take anything personally

  • When kids are not following your lead or understanding your plan, take a deep breath and question what is missing. It isn’t about you, personally, but about the circumstances. Keep your personal judgments at bay and just move forward.
  • If you are not getting through to a student, ask how you can communicate what your expectations are in a way that will get buy-in from that student? Even if he can’t control his energy, if you two are on the same page, at least you can both get along and work positively towards a common goal.

9. Discipline with Dignity

  • The root of the word discipline is discipulus, Latin for “pupil.” Use discipline as a means to teach, not to punish.
  • Kids want to impress. They want to please. They want to shine! But they also don’t want to stand out negatively. We crush them little by little every time we call them out in front of their peers. They don’t want to be “bad.” Don’t create “bad” kids out of good ones!
  • In order to flourish, kids need to share their ideas and creations and to be heard in their own special way, at least some of the time. They need to be in a classroom that has room for them, too. Make room for them!
  • Give lots of guidance about when and where behaviors are appropriate.
  • Address actions and choices, not personalities. Kids aren’t bad, choices are bad. Remember that!
  • Discipline in private. Conference with kids confidentially about what they could have done. Remember, they are our pupils in behavior as well as academics.  They do not need to be punished as much as they need to be coached.
  • Coach’s Comments: “You aren’t ‘bad.’ You just made a choice that wasn’t appropriate for this situation. What actions or choices might have been better received?” “What can we do next time?” “How can I help you next time we are in this situation?
  • Imagine that each child is your own child. How would you want them to be treated in this moment? Maintaining a positive classroom where all children are respected is paramount to success, both mine, and my students.

10. Give Yourself a Break!

  • I am far from perfect. I am being tested heartily this year by some high-energy students. Writing this post has really challenged me as a teacher to face my own progress towards providing a welcoming, safe, nurturing classroom for my high-energy kids. I struggle, too, even with all of the tools I know how to use. The truth is, I get tired and the demands on me are high. But I also know that appreciating these high-energy kids it is worth it.
  • Every day is a fresh start. I may not have had a perfect day today, but I have tomorrow and how I use it really matters.
  • Kids forgive. They will give you second chances. Give them chances, too.
  • Keep trying, keep smiling, and keep the big picture in mind.

As I write this, it is May and we are in the middle of the high-stakes testing season. Even with the best of intentions, my patience runs thin. I am being forced to keep my kids quiet for longer periods of time than I know they can handle. I need to remind myself that my kids are doing their best, for me, because I love and support them. Their high energy is not bad energy unless I make it “bad.” My attitude is everything.

Classrooms need to be safe places for all kids, hyper or calm, loud or quiet. Children need an honest balance in their lives and in their classrooms. The outgoing, energetic kids bring so much to an educational setting. Their explosive zest for life takes learning experiences to exciting new places from which all children can benefit. The most important thing a teacher can do is to honor the unique needs and personalities of his students and to teach in a way that respects and nurtures each child’s spirit without damaging it. Self-esteem is fragile. We must teach appropriate behaviors and boundaries in meaningful ways so that all kids are always showing their best self to the world in a welcomed and encouraged way.

Working with high-energy kids is worth it! Instead of fighting their energy, embrace it and you will be rewarded with a positive, energetic, cooperative, learning environment where all students are respected and will flourish.

This is part 2 of a 3 part series.

For your reading pleasure:
“Soft Skills: Preparing Kids for Life after School”
“Hard Skills vs. Soft Skills: What’s the Difference?”
“The Great ‘Medicate’ Debate”
“Alternatives to Medication” – The ADHD Debate


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